The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.