Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My circle of trust is a meatball
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch