I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
What an awful time to have common sense.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.