me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef