Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
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I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.