Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆