85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
thanksgiving in nutshell
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
You are not alone 💚
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”