“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.