ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?