My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
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[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
smh
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”