Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.