[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
You Might Also Like
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!