Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath