As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.