Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.