Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
sigh
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.