Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.