[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
buys donuts instead
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
can I use a minion as a tampon
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
So we got a goldfish…
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???