Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
#catsoftwitter
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…