馃檹馃従
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can鈥檛 even keep track of the snack chart.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don鈥檛 get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn鈥檛 turn into a coming of age film.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I鈥檓 a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I鈥檓 creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef鈥檚 kiss*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 馃
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me