You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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Goat cheese is for herders.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood