you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
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DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Rambo Rambow
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying