Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
? 💀
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
bad news gang
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.