Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance