Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
You Might Also Like
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
These are too funny not to post 😂
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.