So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
You can’t rush stupid.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.