no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Cake!!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.