History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
You Might Also Like
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The internet is undefeated.. 😂