Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money