ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW