Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
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If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.