Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Going to church you guys need anything
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them