My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
can’t catch a break
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.