My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
When the stylist spins you back around
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My wife gives the best headache.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t