[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Why are bridges so flammable.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions