Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You Might Also Like
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Put the is in disheveled
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”