I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
there’s probably a fee though
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually