“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
How to find Kentucky on a map
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
What a year we’ve had this week.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.