Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing