Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?