Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Fluff me with a fork baby
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
found my next D&D character name
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.