I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.