8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Is this a threat?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off