Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
White parent Vs Arab parents
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.