My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke