Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Two types of dogs.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.