WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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when you are just born a rebel
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Good news
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?