Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”