My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
@ candidates for local office
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Isn’t
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.