Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…